I can’t tell if this is codependency…
or if this is just what happens when someone finally makes your nervous system stop begging for mercy.
Because the truth is, I do think I could be alone forever. I could build a life with my own hands and sleep in my own bed and pay my own bills and carry every terrible thing by myself because, honestly, I’ve already had to do that for so long that loneliness doesn’t scare me the way it probably should.
But it would always feel uncomfortable and wrong somehow..
Like walking into a room and forgetting why you went there, except the room is your whole life, and the thing you forgot is how to feel alive inside of it.
And then there’s him.
After a 12-hour shift, there are times I am so exhausted I can’t even make myself drive home. I’ll sit in the parking lot with my hands on the wheel, body drained, mind empty, staring through the windshield like maybe the car will eventually decide for me.
Then his name pops up.
That little white heart..
And I send him a picture of me sitting there in my car, sulking in absolute despair because I cannot find one single ounce of willpower left inside me.
And he says,
“Go home, sweetie.”
And suddenly…
I can.
Not for me. I couldn’t do it for me. But I’ll do it for him.
Then he says,
“Now.”
And there it is.
No more bargaining with myself. No more maybe in five minutes. No more sitting there until I become part of the parking lot pavement. The choice has been made for me, and God, it feels so good to not have to decide for once in my damn life.
It feels good to obey someone who never leads me to harm.
It feels good to let my body unclench after not even realizing how tightly I had been holding myself together.
It feels good to have someone step into the spinning of my head and hold me still.
And then he says,
“Good girl.”
Do you know that feeling when someone brushes their fingers lightly over your skin and every nerve in your body wakes up at once?
He makes me feel like that, except it’s all through me. Every time. Just as intense. Just as warm. Just as devastating as the first time.
Of course I want to feel that again. Because it doesn’t feel like dependence. It feels like relief. Like trying to breathe through a tightened chest and suddenly something opens.
And once you remember what it feels like to breathe easy…
you never want to go back to living without it.