Ok listen. This is basically where I’m at currently in my life.
I really thought I’d moved on from my ex. I was confident in it. But there was this little voice in my head that kept saying, the universe is going to throw you a curveball.
And boy, did it.
He starts messaging me, and at first it’s just a nasty fight. I’m telling him to leave me the fuck alone, because he’s not even supposed to be talking to me.
But then he switched up on me. He started being very nice.
I couldn’t help it, I had to lower my shield and peek over it to see what he was up to…
and before I know it, we’re exchanging conspiracy theories and talking about working out like it’s normal. Like we’re normal.
All the progress I made over all those months was immediately undone.
And every day it’s another little piece of the man I fell in love with showing up again. It’s him asking how my day went. It’s him sending me a video of birds singing their beautiful songs.
My mind is screaming at me to run. Don’t let him in again. This only ends one way, and it’s pain.
But my heart? My heart would run into his arms without a second thought if he stood in front of me right now.
I was so, so wrong.
And I don’t know how to make it right.
P.s. I want people to understand that this is an addiction I’m fully aware of, and I wish I could get rid of it.
It’s like being in a car on an icy road. There’s a wall in front of you, so you put all your weight into the brake, trying to stop the car from moving. But you keep getting pulled closer anyway. Closer to the wall you’re about to crash into.
And there’s that feeling of horror and disbelief because you’re doing everything you can. You’re putting everything you have into that brake, holding on for dear life, and it’s still not enough.
It’s that helpless, sinking feeling that you’re at the mercy of forces outside your control, and you don’t know how this is going to end.
P.s.s. In the most simple of terms, I am watching myself lose a fight I know how to win, and I cannot make my body listen to my brain.