As someone who is normally full of words, I can’t seem to find them lately.
My journey started 6 months ago when a post of mine went viral because my ex strangled me and walked out of jail after paying $500 for bail. I went on my local news station to bring awareness to bail reform, and after that, I started documenting my healing journey.
At first, I had so much to write about. There was so much I was still trying to process through my writing. So much pain. So much fear. So much anger. So much confusion. There were pieces of myself I was picking up in real time, and writing became the place I laid them all out so I could see what still needed to be put back together.
But lately, I’ve been… dare I say… happy?
Content?
And I don’t think I know what to do with that yet.
I’m housed, and I’m slowly reclaiming this space as my own. I’m erasing the evidence that my ex was ever here. Little by little, I’m making my home feel like mine again instead of a place where I survived someone else.
I’m slowly feeling more secure in my new job position. I’m not where I want to be yet, but I’m not as afraid as I was. I can feel myself growing into it.
And somehow, in the middle of all of this, I found a truly wonderful man who is kind to me. A man who makes me feel safe in ways I didn’t even know were possible. A man I fully claim as mine, and I don’t want anyone else.
But a part of me still feels a little lost. Like I’m not sure who I am now.
Who am I if I’m not the sad, broken girl on the internet?
Who am I if I’m not constantly trying to survive the next horrible thing?
What if I finally did this life thing right?
What if I made the right decisions?
What if everything is actually going to be okay?
Part of me feels relieved, and another part of me is still anxious because nothing ever goes this well. I’m still waiting for the catch. The bad news waiting behind the good. The reason I shouldn’t relax into any of this.
But what if there isn’t one..?
What if this isn’t the calm before another storm?
What if this is just peace?
What if everything I did to get here was actually worth it?