I can’t help but feel lonely a lot of the time.
I feel like I never quite fit anywhere I go. All my life, making friends has felt harder than it seems to be for other people. Belonging has always felt just out of reach, like I have to create my own little spaces just to exist comfortably.
I don’t really understand what it is about me, but sometimes I feel like I repel people without meaning to.
I try to be friendly.
I try to be kind.
I just don’t always know what to say.
And because of that, I start to feel annoying. I feel like a burden. I feel misunderstood in a way that makes me wonder if anyone actually cares enough to want to ask questions and try to understand me.
Even my own family.
One thing I’ve heard about myself more than once is that I give off this energy like I don’t care, or like I don’t want to be where I am. People tell me I need to act like I actually want to be there, but honestly, I don’t even know what that means.
Is it my face?
I’m autistic, and I have what’s called a flat affect. My face can look blank or expressionless when I’m just sitting there, even when nothing is wrong. I’ve noticed it makes a lot of people uncomfortable, like they’re reading something into me that I’m not actually feeling.
Maybe they think I’m cold.
Maybe they think I’m rude.
Maybe they think I don’t care.
But I do care.
I just don’t always know how to make my face, my voice, or my body prove it in a way other people understand.
I don’t know.
I don’t get it.
I just know it makes me really sad.