I will never forget the night I decided to kill myself.
I was 18 years old. I found out I was getting cheated on again, and he wasn’t even trying to hide it anymore. There was a lot more that led up to it, but by then I had made up my mind. I was home alone, and I knew I’d be alone for hours, so it felt like now was the time.
I found every knife in the apartment and tested them on my forearm, one after another, trying to see if any of them were sharp enough. They were all dull. So I broke an empty Grey Goose bottle on the floor and started searching through the pieces like it mattered which one I chose, like there was a “right” shard. I remember picking them up, turning them, testing the edges until I found the sharpest one.
I decided I would do it in the shower so I wouldn’t leave a mess when I was found. I turned on the water. And then, standing there with the sound of it running, my mind started pulling people in. My dad. My mom. My grandparents. My pets. One by one. And I told myself they would be sad at first, but they would move on. They would laugh again. They would smile again. And I’d still be gone. I made my peace with that.
I sat in the shower and I put the shard of glass up to my throat, and it finally sank in that this was real. I was actually going to do it. And then something I still can’t explain happened.
I looked up at the ceiling and I had one last plea to the universe. I didn’t expect an answer. I think part of me was waiting for the silence—because if it stayed silent, then I’d have my answer. I’d know I really was alone. With tears in my eyes I said, “Please… give me a reason to live…”
And instead of being met by silence, I was answered.
A beautiful voice, clear as if he had been standing right next to me, said, “This too shall pass.”
I’m not religious. I’m not claiming I heard God or an angel. Maybe it was my brain forcing some kind of survival mechanism to kick in. I don’t know. I just know it worked.
I dropped the shard from pure shock and surprise and started crying hard in that running shower.
It was the only time I ever heard the voice, and I’ve never heard it again. But whatever it was, it was right. The struggles I was going through did pass. I found happiness again. Struggles and sadness found me again of course, but they passed too.
So even though I’m going through some of the hardest times of my life right now and I’ve been in a dark place, I think of that night. I think of that voice. And I hang onto the hope that I will find happiness again.
That this too shall pass.